Lilacs, Love, and Loneliness...

I stopped at the park on my way to work today

and picked some lilacs.

The smell takes me back to my childhood

Playing in the Lilac "jungle" in my Grandmothers back yard

My Cousin's and I would spend hours in those bushes.

I took the lilacs to work to help relieve the stress

It gets so overwhelming sometimes.

After work, I picked up Bug and got her to her friends.

When I got home it was so quiet. 

Just me and Chloe. 

For the first time in a long time I was a bit Lonely.

I'll be fine.

I'll push through.

No time to sulk anyway.

Nothin but a G Thang

Don't Bother

Dream...

Hide your Crazy and act like a Lady...

I have a new confidence about me

That doesn't mean all is well

But it does mean I'm getting better...again.

I have to learn to let go of the things I have no control over.

Take things one step at a time.

Celebrate the small victories on the way to the big.

I'll get there...Fo Sho

Today stress relief came in the form of 

going to the park and Swinging with Bug.

It was needed and good.

I have a busy busy weekend ahead of me.

Take Bug to see her Bestie...

Work

Pick Bug up from Besite's take to her Dad's 

Help Boo get ready for her Stella Dot party.

Go to Boo's Stella Dot party

Get house Clean...do Laundry...Go Grocery shopping.

Get myself and Bug ready for next week.

Whew...it's going to be alot.

Should be good though.

Oh...

and I need to fit some cheap Therapy in there

(jogging)

Foam Fest 5k coming up

shortly.

You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy or any of your time, or any of your space ~Johnny Cash

My heart is broken. (not sure why this didn't post on the day i wrote it)

I don't even know where to start today.

FIRST

I will tell you about my mother.

She had surgery today

She is having her Jaw Reconstructed.

I know that this is all necessary 

in order for her to get better.

I know that this is all the process

that will make her 

jaw strong and without pain

But 

it still makes me sad to see her in pain.

I hate that she has to go through all of this.

I would do it for her in a second if I could.

THEN

there is the bombings in Boston.

I was at the Hospital and didn't even know 

that it had happened until I got home.

I can't explain the anxiety and saddness and anger 

I felt in that moment

The fear even.

I can't comprehend how someone could do this.

I can not wrap my head around it.

I'm sending 

all the positive energy 

I can .

That's what you get...

They Jedi Mind Trick You...

I guess i'm going through the stages. Steph said that denial is next seeing as how I clearly have a firm grasp of ANGER.
I don't know how  I could deny that this has happened.
What I have taken from this so far is that My Love is WIDE open. Maybe I should be ashamed of that...
But i'm not. I'm happy that I love so openly and freely. I'm glad that I put it all out there...because at least I get to feel something.Maybe it hasn't worked yet, and maybe it isn't for everyone...but I'm trying to keep the faith that there is someone for everyone. I just wish it didn't feel like my someone is shacked up with a girl named Jessica right now. All of this makes me think of the book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You"

My favorite line from the movie is perfect right now...
I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

The steps that we take...

What a cruel trick in life... Not only do I get to smell him because he smells just like his mother. I sit next to his brother at lunch, and he brings up his new girlfriend. Thanks Brenton. You are my new favorite person. I'm angry let me capitalize that...ANGRY How dare you make me look like a fool. Apparently he has been seeing Jessica for awhile. All the while still talking to me and never letting me know. Ouch that is the knife stabbing me AGAIN. Why am I so stupid? Why would I even get into this situation again? WHY WHY WHY...it keeps playing over and over in my head. How did I let this happen. I knew better. I KNEW BETTER!!!!!! Shame on me for believing you were a good person. Shame on me for giving you a space in my life...and my heart. SHAME ON ME FOR EVER THINKING YOU WOULD CHANGE! SHAME ON ME FOR GETTING HURT! SHAME ON ME SHAME ON ME SHAME ON ME. AND FUCK YOU!

I wish I could start a fire in the pouring rain.

Tristan Prettyman - Never say Never

The Post that will more than likely get deleted tomorrow

   I will more than likely delete this post tomorrow,but for now i am going to type until I feel better.

   My life is insane right now, work is nothing less than a nightmare that keeps happening over and over. My department is a mess and there is no real support from the company. Everyday I walk in the door and feel like I'm underwater and can never reach the surface.

   I'm getting divorced, which although it is a good thing, feels like it is a scarlet letter on my chest all of the time. Like a big fat F is imprinted  there that stands for failure.

   Now to put the cherry on the top of the effed up sundae of my life Jeremy has started seeing someone. I should be happy for him. Instead I am heart broken. It physically hurts when I think about it. It took my breathe away when I read it. I am so mad at myself for feeling this way.

   There is so much I want to type...so many things I want to say... but fear keeps me from putting it down in writing.

   I feel like I must be some kind of horrible monster. Then I feel angry at myself for feeling upset. I could have it so much worse. There is a constant battle going on inside my head and i feel like it is going to erupt ....soon..

   I'm starting to feel like love in a romantic way is something I will never attain. I am 36 years old, and I'm not getting any younger. Maybe I'll be the aunt with the pets who dies alone and no one knows for days.
What is wrong with me? Is it that I'm too fat? Is it that I'm not smart enough? Is it that I'm just not good enough?  These are the questions that are swimming around in my head.

  I think I'm going to take a break from life for a bit. Just withdraw. Emotionally shut down. I can't hurt anymore. I cant.

  I guess I will focus on work, try to make something out of nothing. Focus on Bug...not that i don't now.
I will focus on my home. But what I will not do is feel. Not for now...not for awhile.

I'm shutting off my feelings for awhile. I'm going to close the doors to my heart.

The scars are real. They aren't seen but they are immense. They are a part of me.With each new scar there is a little less of who i once was.

   I know that i'm just really hurt right now. In time the pain will fade. I know that this too will pass.
I know...I know...I know....

   So I will BREATHE and maybe one day ....in the not too far distant I will feel ok again.

But until then

I will take it one moment at a time. I will celebrate the small things during the day. I will be happy that I just made it through the day. That will be enough for now.

Acceptance...is a bitter pill to swallow.

Sometimes, in life, things don't go my way

   Really? Who knew?

Sometimes, I have to accept that I have done what I can.

I have to accept that I'm not going to get the outcome I wanted.

Who knows? Maybe the end result will be better. 

Only time will tell.

And just so we are all on the same page...

This is killing me. 

I strongly dislike not getting my way.

Day two

Of being overwhelmed.sigh.

Just wait...

Months...

After months of being really strong... I'm having a really hard time tonight. I just feel Shitty.

I've got the Power

I smelled spring today.

    and 

I had flowers rain on me.

I could ramble on 

about the chaos 

that has taken over 

my work life...

But 

instead I will 

enjoy  the 

small things that

make me smile

so ...

here are 10 things that made me smile

just today

1. The smell of flowers in the air

2. The flowers raining from the trees

3. My sweet little squirrels

4. Mindy Kaling

5. New Girl

6. Lily(of course)

7. Chloe (of course)

8. a Hug from Pam Mom

9. My Illume SmashBox lipgloss

10. Knowing David will be home Saturday

and all of that replaces 

anything bad that happened at work

because I give it the power to

forever and ever

Amen.