This Can't Be It

As I sit here..16 days away from Christmas

I can not seem to get any 

Christmas Spirit

I have seemed to gather a little over the last 

probably Five years. 

But true Christmas Spirit has left me

and 

This Year 

I Desperately need it.

I have done all the things that I can think of to make it happen.

Christmas Shopping

Watching Christmas Movies

Listening to Christmas Music

Drinking Christmas Drinks

Going to see Christmas Lights

Nothing has worked. 

I have so much worry inside that I can't see past it.

It consumes me no matter how hard I try to get past it.

Something has to change. 

I can't be on this earth to just barely survive.

This can't be it.

I know there is a greater good that i'm here for

I just can't seem to find it.

The big 40

i was fine
Then I was alone

Election 2016

I woke up this morning with a new President Elect.

Someone I did not choose 

BUT... I woke up.

The sun was shining.

My daughter is healthy

I have two adorable puppies who are healthy

I am surrounded by friends and family who love me.

and by love me I mean LOVE me. 

I know people are angry and scared.

I admit ...I felt scared.

Then I realized my world is still moving.

My life is still going

and now more than ever

I need to do my part to show 

love and compassion 

I need to be kind and considerate

I want to be there for people

When they are going through 

tough times

I want to make people smile

even if it is just for a moment

So, Whether you voted for Hillary or Trump

I'm here for you

I'm here if you are scared

I'm here if you are sad

I'm here if you are happy

and 

I'm here if you just want a hug

Be Love and it will all be ok

Sometimes Shit gets a little bit heavy.

And... I'm back.

I was just about to write this enlightening post about making my life lighter and accepting myself for who I am.

But

As I sit in this dark room only lit by candles and listen to this amazing french music that I randomly purchased sometime in the past...

 I just want to write how I'm feeling right now. 

Warm, happy, centered, calm and cozy. 

I'm sitting here thinking about how short life is, and how I don't want to miss out on things.

I want to at least give living in California a shot. Maybe I'll hate it. Maybe I'll love it...but I won't know if I don't try. 

Then there is the thoughts in the back of my head that hold me back. Like ...what about Lily? Will she be ok with me on the other side of the country? What about my amazing Nieces and Nephews who I love so very much. How much of them growing up will I miss? Will it be worth it? I guess I won't know until I get there huh? 

Don't get me wrong...the thought of picking up my life and moving it to the other side of the country terrifies me....but it also excites me. At first I wondered if I was running away from my life here...but I can safely say that is not it. I just want to live. I want to wake up where the ocean is, experience different people and a different way of life. 

I was listening to someone I really respect the other day, and he said...just do Something. 

This is going to be my something.

There are no Failures only Experiences.

Summer Lovin

The Stars Spin inside my head at night.

The fireflys kiss my eye lids 

The smell of a campfire calms my soul

and the sound of the crackling fire lulls me to sleep

So Happy it's Summer

Random thoughts in the dark

Wrote this while waiting for a concert to start.

The road may be bumpy, but it will be good.

I had a bit of a set-back yesterday, but I’m rather proud of myself for how I dealt with it.

I have a goal. I am determined, and nothing is going to stop me at this point.

When I’m drinking a margarita watching the sunset, I will remember yesterday and realize it was just a small bump in the road.  I am on the hunt for a part time second job, because Money is not going to defeat me.