Today...wasn't what I thought it would be.

I was kind of excited for today. Lily was being dropped off for school at 2 and I was going to enjoy the rest of the day with a little cooking , laundry, and a little binge watching of the television.
But, shit happens... like your Step Dad ends up in the hospital thinking he's having a heart attack. Thankfully, he wasn't but they are holding him for observation overnight. Luckily he is in Becky's department at the Hospital, so he gets to spend the evening with his other Daughter. I spent the afternoon with him, and his joke that he is allergic to hospitals. As I was getting ready to leave the Hospital Bug called asking if I could come hang with her till her next class. Well, how could I turn my one and only child down. I couldn't. So I drove her across town to get her some soup and then back to the school because a friend of hers was there and they wanted to hang out. It was honestly, so very worth it. Love that kid.
So, sometimes things change, it's ok.

Just let it be what it is...a novel idea.

I needed yesterday...so badly.  A beautiful day to enjoy the sun and the semi warm weather.
To drive with the sunroof open and sing to the music at the top of my lungs.
To just not think.  I need to spend more time not thinking.  Thinking is becoming the death of me.
I am vowing to not think today either. Just clean and organize. Enjoy the foggy view and let it be what it is.
Binge Sex and The City and maybe later take an amazing bubble bath. My life isn't what I want it to be right now, but I'm going to make the best of what it is.

Overtime and extended hours for the little soldiers that protect my heart.

“I had confronted my ghost. I had accepted and released him. But now I was more haunted than ever. Because what I felt out there was no ghost. It was real.” -Carrie Bradshaw

I screwed up. Big. I let my walls down and allowed vulnerability then scared the shit out of "recent crush" who I really need to give a different name because, well, come on.

He isn't my crush anymore, well not really. He is however supposedly my friend. I told him some personal things that were going on in my world, and he let me in to a bit of his stuff and then I did it.
I overstepped. I can be such an asshole. I asked the girls name...I swear it was innocent. Really.
I had told him my person's name and I don't know I guess I just wanted to put a name to the situation and BLAM! I smacked my face cold into a wall. The response was " Sorry, I just can't tell you that"
My ego was crushed. Didn't he trust me? Damn. Why had I just revealed my shit to the man who didn't even trust me. So the little men in my heart worked a little overtime last night replacing the walls. 

You should know that they are back up and back on full protection duty. Note to self: Don't go being all vulnerable and shit with someone who doesn't quite deserve it yet. 

Sigh.

Todays blog is brought to you by the letters W, T and F!!!

I am getting so good at making an ass of myself. No, really. If there was an award for it I would win by a landslide.
So, trying to be friends with "recent crush" and totally let him into my world. Told him stuff I don't speak about with anyone, because I was trying to trust him. Trying to believe that we could have an open honest real friendship. 100% no lies, and nothing hidden. I can literally hear you laughing as you read this.
YES I realize this is something that is nearly impossible, but I really wanted to see if we could do it.
He opened up a bit to me, and then I asked him the girls name. I think I was just curious to see if he would trust me as I trusted him, and just as I thought....NO.
Sorry, I can't tell you that he says. BAM! All doors shut and the alarms went off as the walls were once again raised.
I felt like such an idiot. Why would I think this man would trust me. Why would I think I could have a real no nonsense kind of friendship? Especially with a man.
One day this girl will learn.
I apologized for overstepping and he said not to and now it's weird.
Just  a big sack of weirdness.

and then we were " just friends."

  I have a friend, whom has been in my life for over 20 years.  He started as my friend, then was my boyfriend.
Then My ex-boyfriend/man I couldn't get off of my mind. Then he was my friend again. I love him so very much. We can talk about anything. We like alot of the same things, have the same interests. He is important to me. The only thing is, he is in love with me. Now, he wasn't when all I could do was think about him, but when we reconnected after a hiatus...there it was. The Pink Elephant in the room. It comes with us everywhere. It is spoken, but we both know it's there.

  I bring this up, because I recently got back in touch with a friend of mine, whom I had a huge crush on.
In true Dana style, I round about let him know that I was interested and he shot me down. Oh yes ladies...I got friend zoned HARD. I am ok with it. I went through the stages of...maybe he'll change his mind(um No).
Then the ..."what is wrong with me?"  (um nothing). Then the "oh girl he is going to regret that decision one day. "  (um probably)  Now I've moved on to...I love that I have a semi-new friend.  I can honestly say I'm good with us being friends. I just keep wondering if he feels the same way I do when it comes to my old friend/Ex.

  Frankly I feel selfish. I love his company so much I can't just walk away, but then I feel like I also have to worry about hurting him, and I don't want that. I have been hurt so many times ( and yes many times by him) that I just don't want anyone to feel that way. I've been up front. He knows how I feel but I still have this little voice in the back of my head that tip toes as not to hurt him.

  Right now, I'm hoping... recent crush  doesn't feel this this way about me when I chat with him.  I genuinely just want to be his friend. Someone who is there through the thick and thin. I'm trying to figure out how to make him realize that...my best guess right now is time. By doing what I say and showing up when I'm needed.

  Damn, why is life so tricky sometimes? I just want Black and White, but I know there are way too shades of gray for that to happen.

To Write or not to write... that is the question.

  I'm contemplating writing a book. I was in the book printing industry for half of my life, and I worked with a lot of self published authors. They always said everyone has a book in them, and I thought...uh not me.
I love to write, but didn't feel confident enough in my writing to actually pursue writing a book.
Heck, I'm still not sure I can do this, but I'm going to try. What's the worst that will happen, I will do it and it will suck. Ha! That happens to me all the time...not a big deal anymore. What happens if it is amazing though? What if I can actually pull this shit off? I don't expect to be a millionaire from it, hell I don't expect to live off of it... but to accomplish writing a book...would be HUGE to me.

  So What should I write about? Hmmm... well my favorite books are self-help books. I am secretly obsessed with them. I just love seeing other peoples takes on life and how to improve it.
So, I 'm thinking a self-help relationship book. Ok, if you know me and you are reading this...Stop laughing.
Yes, I realize I have yet to have a successful relationship in my life, but maybe that is just what people need to see.
Maybe, I can show all the wrong ways I've done things so that people learn what not to do.
Of course I will add some humor to it...actually I think I will probably make the whole thing humorous.
I mean, it's much easier to learn when you are having fun doing it right?

  Now I have to start doing the research. Once I figure out how to write it, publishing it is a cake walk for me. I know the in's and out's of the printing industry, and I've made enough contacts through my work that I should be able to figure out how to get it moving along.  I know that you have to hustle hard to get your book out there. I have seen it first hand.

keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm going to need it.

Much love,
Dana

Just a little quote...

This Quote is probably one of my all time favorite movie quotes. I go back and read it a lot ...
I mean A LOT!

From the movie  He's just not that into you

Alex: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.

It's true.
Sometimes hard to grasp, but so true.
Sigh...

This one's a good one too

Alex: If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.

So girls stop giving them excuses they aren't even asking for.

Sometimes Lemons shouldn't be made into lemonade...they should just go in the compost pile.

Writing more often...

  I'm making writing on here a goal. I want to write more. It not only helps me get what I have in my mind out of my mind, but it's nice to look back at my thoughts and think either..."yeah I see what you were thinking girl" or " What the Hell? Glad we moved on from that." .

  So to start I'm going to talk about friends.
I had lots of friends...or so I thought.
I had people in my life that I shared everything with. I shared my goals, my daily life. My ups and downs.
I loved these people with all my heart, because as we know I only go all in. There is no half way in my world.
I grew up with these people. I spent 18 and a half years with them. Not all of them the same amount of time, but a good amount of time.
and then
I got fired from my job...

  I heard not a peep from them after that.
That was eight months ago.

I just realized they weren't ever really my friends, at least not the way I thought they were.

Now I'm not saying I didn't gain friends from that Job.  I did.

   I have Shelly who is an inspiration to me.
I have never met her in person, but she has become someone I wouldn't want to live my life without.

I have Jen Holbrook - Kohn, who tells it like it is. We are pretty much complete opposites, but I love her.
She is an amazing person with a huge heart. She has been through things in her life, but never let them hold her down...I admire that.

I have Miss Monica Sholar, who is the best cheerleader anyone could ask for.

but the people I spent day in and day out with... who I thought loved me as I loved them. didn't.

That is a hard pill to swallow, but I'm there now and it's ok. I'm ok.

I'm working on me, and using experiences in my life to make me a better me.

All of that has made me want to work on the connections I have with the people I do have in my life.

People should know that they are important to you. You don't have to tell them that all the time...but you can show them, by showing up and being in their lives NO MATTER WHAT.  The good times. The bad times, and the Holy hell I guess we are doing this times.

I want to be someone can depend on to be there. Not just say I'll be there.

Please, don't think I have any bitterness or hate in my heart for those that aren't in my life any longer.
I don't. I still care for them the same as I did. I want amazing things for them. I want them to live the best life they can.

Nor, do I think they aren't in my life anymore because they don't like me. I don't believe that either.
I just think they weren't strong connections. Not like the connections I want to make sure I make moving forward.


Much love,
Dana

Sometimes we just need a moment

It is semi quiet in the room where I'm sitting.

The hushed whir of the space heater that is sitting across the room.

The sound of the cars as they drive past my home on the wet street.

and 

The pitter patter of raindrops that are falling on the windows.

Lightening can be seen every so often, with no rhyme or reason

(at least not that I can ascertain)

I'm calm 

and confident.

A place I haven't been in quite some time.

There is a warm feeling inside me

I am OK

This Can't Be It

As I sit here..16 days away from Christmas

I can not seem to get any 

Christmas Spirit

I have seemed to gather a little over the last 

probably Five years. 

But true Christmas Spirit has left me

and 

This Year 

I Desperately need it.

I have done all the things that I can think of to make it happen.

Christmas Shopping

Watching Christmas Movies

Listening to Christmas Music

Drinking Christmas Drinks

Going to see Christmas Lights

Nothing has worked. 

I have so much worry inside that I can't see past it.

It consumes me no matter how hard I try to get past it.

Something has to change. 

I can't be on this earth to just barely survive.

This can't be it.

I know there is a greater good that i'm here for

I just can't seem to find it.

The big 40

i was fine
Then I was alone

Election 2016

I woke up this morning with a new President Elect.

Someone I did not choose 

BUT... I woke up.

The sun was shining.

My daughter is healthy

I have two adorable puppies who are healthy

I am surrounded by friends and family who love me.

and by love me I mean LOVE me. 

I know people are angry and scared.

I admit ...I felt scared.

Then I realized my world is still moving.

My life is still going

and now more than ever

I need to do my part to show 

love and compassion 

I need to be kind and considerate

I want to be there for people

When they are going through 

tough times

I want to make people smile

even if it is just for a moment

So, Whether you voted for Hillary or Trump

I'm here for you

I'm here if you are scared

I'm here if you are sad

I'm here if you are happy

and 

I'm here if you just want a hug

Be Love and it will all be ok

Sometimes Shit gets a little bit heavy.

And... I'm back.

I was just about to write this enlightening post about making my life lighter and accepting myself for who I am.

But

As I sit in this dark room only lit by candles and listen to this amazing french music that I randomly purchased sometime in the past...

 I just want to write how I'm feeling right now. 

Warm, happy, centered, calm and cozy. 

I'm sitting here thinking about how short life is, and how I don't want to miss out on things.

I want to at least give living in California a shot. Maybe I'll hate it. Maybe I'll love it...but I won't know if I don't try. 

Then there is the thoughts in the back of my head that hold me back. Like ...what about Lily? Will she be ok with me on the other side of the country? What about my amazing Nieces and Nephews who I love so very much. How much of them growing up will I miss? Will it be worth it? I guess I won't know until I get there huh? 

Don't get me wrong...the thought of picking up my life and moving it to the other side of the country terrifies me....but it also excites me. At first I wondered if I was running away from my life here...but I can safely say that is not it. I just want to live. I want to wake up where the ocean is, experience different people and a different way of life. 

I was listening to someone I really respect the other day, and he said...just do Something. 

This is going to be my something.

There are no Failures only Experiences.

Summer Lovin

The Stars Spin inside my head at night.

The fireflys kiss my eye lids 

The smell of a campfire calms my soul

and the sound of the crackling fire lulls me to sleep

So Happy it's Summer

Random thoughts in the dark

Wrote this while waiting for a concert to start.

The road may be bumpy, but it will be good.

I had a bit of a set-back yesterday, but I’m rather proud of myself for how I dealt with it.

I have a goal. I am determined, and nothing is going to stop me at this point.

When I’m drinking a margarita watching the sunset, I will remember yesterday and realize it was just a small bump in the road.  I am on the hunt for a part time second job, because Money is not going to defeat me.

Damien Rice – I Don’t Want To Change You [Official Video]

Once upon a dream...

I had a dream last night, and I can't stop thinking about it. Someone very important to me came back into my life. I would be lying if I said I never think of him. I think of him every single day, and every single day I wish that I didn't. I'm not sure if the love that I feel for him will ever leave me. Sadly, I hope that it does. I tend to forget my dreams when I wake up, but this one stuck with me. I miss him terribly.

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness.

So many new things going on right now. So many changes.

But today...

I'm feeling so very sad, and I don't know why.

I'm having my very own pity party.

Complete with Balloons and Streamers

and even a clown or two.

I know it's not healthy.

I know it's not OK.

I 

just 

can't 

shake it 

today.