Today...wasn't what I thought it would be.

I was kind of excited for today. Lily was being dropped off for school at 2 and I was going to enjoy the rest of the day with a little cooking , laundry, and a little binge watching of the television.
But, shit happens... like your Step Dad ends up in the hospital thinking he's having a heart attack. Thankfully, he wasn't but they are holding him for observation overnight. Luckily he is in Becky's department at the Hospital, so he gets to spend the evening with his other Daughter. I spent the afternoon with him, and his joke that he is allergic to hospitals. As I was getting ready to leave the Hospital Bug called asking if I could come hang with her till her next class. Well, how could I turn my one and only child down. I couldn't. So I drove her across town to get her some soup and then back to the school because a friend of hers was there and they wanted to hang out. It was honestly, so very worth it. Love that kid.
So, sometimes things change, it's ok.

Just let it be what it is...a novel idea.

I needed yesterday...so badly.  A beautiful day to enjoy the sun and the semi warm weather.
To drive with the sunroof open and sing to the music at the top of my lungs.
To just not think.  I need to spend more time not thinking.  Thinking is becoming the death of me.
I am vowing to not think today either. Just clean and organize. Enjoy the foggy view and let it be what it is.
Binge Sex and The City and maybe later take an amazing bubble bath. My life isn't what I want it to be right now, but I'm going to make the best of what it is.

Overtime and extended hours for the little soldiers that protect my heart.

“I had confronted my ghost. I had accepted and released him. But now I was more haunted than ever. Because what I felt out there was no ghost. It was real.” -Carrie Bradshaw

I screwed up. Big. I let my walls down and allowed vulnerability then scared the shit out of "recent crush" who I really need to give a different name because, well, come on.

He isn't my crush anymore, well not really. He is however supposedly my friend. I told him some personal things that were going on in my world, and he let me in to a bit of his stuff and then I did it.
I overstepped. I can be such an asshole. I asked the girls name...I swear it was innocent. Really.
I had told him my person's name and I don't know I guess I just wanted to put a name to the situation and BLAM! I smacked my face cold into a wall. The response was " Sorry, I just can't tell you that"
My ego was crushed. Didn't he trust me? Damn. Why had I just revealed my shit to the man who didn't even trust me. So the little men in my heart worked a little overtime last night replacing the walls. 

You should know that they are back up and back on full protection duty. Note to self: Don't go being all vulnerable and shit with someone who doesn't quite deserve it yet. 

Sigh.

Todays blog is brought to you by the letters W, T and F!!!

I am getting so good at making an ass of myself. No, really. If there was an award for it I would win by a landslide.
So, trying to be friends with "recent crush" and totally let him into my world. Told him stuff I don't speak about with anyone, because I was trying to trust him. Trying to believe that we could have an open honest real friendship. 100% no lies, and nothing hidden. I can literally hear you laughing as you read this.
YES I realize this is something that is nearly impossible, but I really wanted to see if we could do it.
He opened up a bit to me, and then I asked him the girls name. I think I was just curious to see if he would trust me as I trusted him, and just as I thought....NO.
Sorry, I can't tell you that he says. BAM! All doors shut and the alarms went off as the walls were once again raised.
I felt like such an idiot. Why would I think this man would trust me. Why would I think I could have a real no nonsense kind of friendship? Especially with a man.
One day this girl will learn.
I apologized for overstepping and he said not to and now it's weird.
Just  a big sack of weirdness.

and then we were " just friends."

  I have a friend, whom has been in my life for over 20 years.  He started as my friend, then was my boyfriend.
Then My ex-boyfriend/man I couldn't get off of my mind. Then he was my friend again. I love him so very much. We can talk about anything. We like alot of the same things, have the same interests. He is important to me. The only thing is, he is in love with me. Now, he wasn't when all I could do was think about him, but when we reconnected after a hiatus...there it was. The Pink Elephant in the room. It comes with us everywhere. It is spoken, but we both know it's there.

  I bring this up, because I recently got back in touch with a friend of mine, whom I had a huge crush on.
In true Dana style, I round about let him know that I was interested and he shot me down. Oh yes ladies...I got friend zoned HARD. I am ok with it. I went through the stages of...maybe he'll change his mind(um No).
Then the ..."what is wrong with me?"  (um nothing). Then the "oh girl he is going to regret that decision one day. "  (um probably)  Now I've moved on to...I love that I have a semi-new friend.  I can honestly say I'm good with us being friends. I just keep wondering if he feels the same way I do when it comes to my old friend/Ex.

  Frankly I feel selfish. I love his company so much I can't just walk away, but then I feel like I also have to worry about hurting him, and I don't want that. I have been hurt so many times ( and yes many times by him) that I just don't want anyone to feel that way. I've been up front. He knows how I feel but I still have this little voice in the back of my head that tip toes as not to hurt him.

  Right now, I'm hoping... recent crush  doesn't feel this this way about me when I chat with him.  I genuinely just want to be his friend. Someone who is there through the thick and thin. I'm trying to figure out how to make him realize that...my best guess right now is time. By doing what I say and showing up when I'm needed.

  Damn, why is life so tricky sometimes? I just want Black and White, but I know there are way too shades of gray for that to happen.

To Write or not to write... that is the question.

  I'm contemplating writing a book. I was in the book printing industry for half of my life, and I worked with a lot of self published authors. They always said everyone has a book in them, and I thought...uh not me.
I love to write, but didn't feel confident enough in my writing to actually pursue writing a book.
Heck, I'm still not sure I can do this, but I'm going to try. What's the worst that will happen, I will do it and it will suck. Ha! That happens to me all the time...not a big deal anymore. What happens if it is amazing though? What if I can actually pull this shit off? I don't expect to be a millionaire from it, hell I don't expect to live off of it... but to accomplish writing a book...would be HUGE to me.

  So What should I write about? Hmmm... well my favorite books are self-help books. I am secretly obsessed with them. I just love seeing other peoples takes on life and how to improve it.
So, I 'm thinking a self-help relationship book. Ok, if you know me and you are reading this...Stop laughing.
Yes, I realize I have yet to have a successful relationship in my life, but maybe that is just what people need to see.
Maybe, I can show all the wrong ways I've done things so that people learn what not to do.
Of course I will add some humor to it...actually I think I will probably make the whole thing humorous.
I mean, it's much easier to learn when you are having fun doing it right?

  Now I have to start doing the research. Once I figure out how to write it, publishing it is a cake walk for me. I know the in's and out's of the printing industry, and I've made enough contacts through my work that I should be able to figure out how to get it moving along.  I know that you have to hustle hard to get your book out there. I have seen it first hand.

keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm going to need it.

Much love,
Dana

Just a little quote...

This Quote is probably one of my all time favorite movie quotes. I go back and read it a lot ...
I mean A LOT!

From the movie  He's just not that into you

Alex: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.

It's true.
Sometimes hard to grasp, but so true.
Sigh...

This one's a good one too

Alex: If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.

So girls stop giving them excuses they aren't even asking for.

Sometimes Lemons shouldn't be made into lemonade...they should just go in the compost pile.