You will never know, until it is you.

I can remember being young and thinking...

If a man laid his hands on me, I would leave.

I can remember thinking...

Who would let someone do that to them.

Then it happens, and you are so shocked you don't know what to do.

It won't happen again.

All will be well.

And for awhile...

it is.

but soon enough

it begins again. 

what you fail to realize in that moment

is that

it is a vicious cycle.

I was too scared to leave.

I was scared because I didn't know what would happen

I was scared that financially...

I couldn't do it.

Then one day I got brave.

In one moment I decided I was done.

It was OVER.

I left.

It wasn't over.

Time made me forget 

and soon enough I let him back in.

He was all I knew.

And for a moment it was good.

But the cycle started again.

And one late night

the unthinkable was done.

beyond anything that had been done before.

It was cold 

I was outside in the snow in my pajamas with no shoes

I was scared.

but 

I went back

In my head...

I thought I had no choice.

I believed there was no other way.

I will sometimes talk about the event 

as though it was the same thing as

washing your car, or going grocery shopping.

Like what happened was

no big deal.

Because I am no longer the innocent girl

who thought  I would just leave.

Who didn't understand how someone could let someone do that.

I live in fear.

It is my home.

I don't sleep 

not well that is.

I never know what will happen if I let myself fall asleep to deeply.

I have asked him to leave.

I have begged him to go.

He won't.

I am too weak to force him.

I am too scared.

The unknown holds me at bay.

Frozen 

So

Please 

don't judge that girl on TV

not until you hear her story.

Until it is you.

You will never fully understand.