My heart is in pieces...

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible sister. Tonight is one of those nights.

Life isn't always easy.

And her heart was filled with a sadness that consumed her soul, but she knew it was because of the love she felt for him that he must go.

It's a problem.

I cradle my fear of men inside my heart.

Ennui

I'm having a day.

The kind of day where nothing you do is right.

The kind of day where I feel like a failure. 

I just can't seem to get it together.

My heart is hurting and I don't even know where to begin to make it better.

My sadness is overwhelming.

Bring on the second guessing in my head...

We all know that 

I am a mess.

BUT

When the dust settled 

after Jason 

Moved out

I 

PROMISED

myself that 

I would settle for nothing

less than 

amazing.

That I wouldn't 

spend my life

taking care of someone

and them not do the 

same in return.

I love him to pieces...

I hope I didn't make the wrong decision.

And at the end of the day it's ALWAYS about love.

Time to get back on track. Time to pull it together and be the best me I can be. No excuses.

The Bestest...

Simplicity is the key to life...

My world is complete chaos.

a 

constant battle.

So the fact  that he and I 

are 

Simple

is a fresh breath of air

that 

has been needed

for

so very very

Long.

It's so easy.

So uncomplicated.

I love you.

You love me.

Anything else can be figured out.

And in time...it will all get better.

I keep hearing...

In time 

He will get over it.

In time 

It will all get 

better.

In time

He will be 

ok 

with it.

In time.

Well Right now...

I'm over it.

I'm not on your time table.

I'm on mine.

So

as much as I care about you.

as much as I love you.

This is your issue not mine to 

deal with.

my time is mine, and I'm not waiting

for your approval any longer.

Fits perfectly...

My own personal Serendipity...

I guess sometimes in life things are Unexpected

and sometimes in the unexpected

you find something amazing.

I have had a rough road in life when it comes to love and relationships

So rough that I'm jaded and tainted and 

I have friends who call me broken.

I have been known to say that true love is impossible.

I'm not saying I don't wish or want for it.

It just seems so unattainable. 

I'm not talking about Movie/ fairytale love.

I'm talking about realistic love.

The love that begins with a mutual respect and bond 

That can't be broken.

I'm not saying it can't be bent...nothing is perfect.

But not broken.

Love that is unconditional and honest and just feels good.

I have never experienced this. 

and 

I'm still not sure I ever will.

But for the first time in all of my years...

I feel like at least there might be a possibility.

I'm not jumping into anything. 

Just gently dipping my toes in and seeing how it feels.

So far

It feels....

just right.

Like this is how things are supposed to be.

Safe, and honest and good.

not too fast

not too slow

just right.

I'm smiling, and not letting things get to me.

I'm happy

How can that be wrong.

Sometimes...

When I see couples together...I think...will I ever have that?

My Smile is my Mission...

I have grown a ton in the last couple of months.

It shows.

Today I will smile and choose to let go of negative energy

and just be

POSITIVE and HAPPY

I'll let Karma take care of the rest.

Family of the Year - Hero is also on heavy rotation these days...

Blurred Lines...seriously cant stop playing this song over and over

You've got to shake it off... :)

Heartbeat

If More Girls were willing to be ladies...

Get Lucky...

My Summer Bucket List...

1. Go camping
2. Go Golfing
3. See an outdoor concert
4. Go to a music festival
5. Explore A2 alone
6. Go on a Roller Coaster
7. Do a 5k
8. Go Fishing

To be contd...

9. Kiss under the stars.
10.Get Picture with Matthew Altruda.

Down at the market

At Night under a blanket of stars...

Sometimes Dreams Feel so Real.

Buggy Bug Smiles for Miles...

So...

Bug and  I went to see Darren Criss yesterday.

The adventure started at 

4:00 am..

We had to get up and get moving so that we could get to 

the Michigan Theatre and stand in line.

Bug was super exited and her smile kept me going 

all morning.

it was a long wait.

(Five hours of standing in line in the rain)

and then...

it was delayed another hour.

BUT 

we had an amazing time...

See Below.

Darren Literally walked right by us. 

Bug was soooo excited. 

Theo Katzman opened for Darren.

Personally his music is a little closer to what

I usually listen to so I enjoyed him a ton.

On the way home we got a flat.

GRRRRRRR

I didn't and won' t let that tarnish the amazing day we had together.

It was magical for both of us.  :)

Now is the Start...

And the truth is...

I might smile.

I might laugh.

but at the end of the day...

I'm lonely.

Unless you read this...

You'll never know.

Theo Katzman - Brooklyn [Official Video]

My new Favorite Driving song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I'm a slacker...

I know it's been a couple of weeks.

I swear time flies by when you are working a ton of hours

and helping my mom with the Saturday market.

Things have been working well with getting Lily to Jasons

They are really getting along.

Makes me happy.

I did a 5k today...

Here are the before and after photos

BEFORE

and 

AFTER

Lilacs, Love, and Loneliness...

I stopped at the park on my way to work today

and picked some lilacs.

The smell takes me back to my childhood

Playing in the Lilac "jungle" in my Grandmothers back yard

My Cousin's and I would spend hours in those bushes.

I took the lilacs to work to help relieve the stress

It gets so overwhelming sometimes.

After work, I picked up Bug and got her to her friends.

When I got home it was so quiet. 

Just me and Chloe. 

For the first time in a long time I was a bit Lonely.

I'll be fine.

I'll push through.

No time to sulk anyway.

Nothin but a G Thang

Don't Bother

Dream...

Hide your Crazy and act like a Lady...

I have a new confidence about me

That doesn't mean all is well

But it does mean I'm getting better...again.

I have to learn to let go of the things I have no control over.

Take things one step at a time.

Celebrate the small victories on the way to the big.

I'll get there...Fo Sho

Today stress relief came in the form of 

going to the park and Swinging with Bug.

It was needed and good.

I have a busy busy weekend ahead of me.

Take Bug to see her Bestie...

Work

Pick Bug up from Besite's take to her Dad's 

Help Boo get ready for her Stella Dot party.

Go to Boo's Stella Dot party

Get house Clean...do Laundry...Go Grocery shopping.

Get myself and Bug ready for next week.

Whew...it's going to be alot.

Should be good though.

Oh...

and I need to fit some cheap Therapy in there

(jogging)

Foam Fest 5k coming up

shortly.

You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy or any of your time, or any of your space ~Johnny Cash

My heart is broken. (not sure why this didn't post on the day i wrote it)

I don't even know where to start today.

FIRST

I will tell you about my mother.

She had surgery today

She is having her Jaw Reconstructed.

I know that this is all necessary 

in order for her to get better.

I know that this is all the process

that will make her 

jaw strong and without pain

But 

it still makes me sad to see her in pain.

I hate that she has to go through all of this.

I would do it for her in a second if I could.

THEN

there is the bombings in Boston.

I was at the Hospital and didn't even know 

that it had happened until I got home.

I can't explain the anxiety and saddness and anger 

I felt in that moment

The fear even.

I can't comprehend how someone could do this.

I can not wrap my head around it.

I'm sending 

all the positive energy 

I can .

That's what you get...

They Jedi Mind Trick You...

I guess i'm going through the stages. Steph said that denial is next seeing as how I clearly have a firm grasp of ANGER.
I don't know how  I could deny that this has happened.
What I have taken from this so far is that My Love is WIDE open. Maybe I should be ashamed of that...
But i'm not. I'm happy that I love so openly and freely. I'm glad that I put it all out there...because at least I get to feel something.Maybe it hasn't worked yet, and maybe it isn't for everyone...but I'm trying to keep the faith that there is someone for everyone. I just wish it didn't feel like my someone is shacked up with a girl named Jessica right now. All of this makes me think of the book and movie "He's Just Not That Into You"

My favorite line from the movie is perfect right now...
I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

The steps that we take...

What a cruel trick in life... Not only do I get to smell him because he smells just like his mother. I sit next to his brother at lunch, and he brings up his new girlfriend. Thanks Brenton. You are my new favorite person. I'm angry let me capitalize that...ANGRY How dare you make me look like a fool. Apparently he has been seeing Jessica for awhile. All the while still talking to me and never letting me know. Ouch that is the knife stabbing me AGAIN. Why am I so stupid? Why would I even get into this situation again? WHY WHY WHY...it keeps playing over and over in my head. How did I let this happen. I knew better. I KNEW BETTER!!!!!! Shame on me for believing you were a good person. Shame on me for giving you a space in my life...and my heart. SHAME ON ME FOR EVER THINKING YOU WOULD CHANGE! SHAME ON ME FOR GETTING HURT! SHAME ON ME SHAME ON ME SHAME ON ME. AND FUCK YOU!

I wish I could start a fire in the pouring rain.

Tristan Prettyman - Never say Never

The Post that will more than likely get deleted tomorrow

   I will more than likely delete this post tomorrow,but for now i am going to type until I feel better.

   My life is insane right now, work is nothing less than a nightmare that keeps happening over and over. My department is a mess and there is no real support from the company. Everyday I walk in the door and feel like I'm underwater and can never reach the surface.

   I'm getting divorced, which although it is a good thing, feels like it is a scarlet letter on my chest all of the time. Like a big fat F is imprinted  there that stands for failure.

   Now to put the cherry on the top of the effed up sundae of my life Jeremy has started seeing someone. I should be happy for him. Instead I am heart broken. It physically hurts when I think about it. It took my breathe away when I read it. I am so mad at myself for feeling this way.

   There is so much I want to type...so many things I want to say... but fear keeps me from putting it down in writing.

   I feel like I must be some kind of horrible monster. Then I feel angry at myself for feeling upset. I could have it so much worse. There is a constant battle going on inside my head and i feel like it is going to erupt ....soon..

   I'm starting to feel like love in a romantic way is something I will never attain. I am 36 years old, and I'm not getting any younger. Maybe I'll be the aunt with the pets who dies alone and no one knows for days.
What is wrong with me? Is it that I'm too fat? Is it that I'm not smart enough? Is it that I'm just not good enough?  These are the questions that are swimming around in my head.

  I think I'm going to take a break from life for a bit. Just withdraw. Emotionally shut down. I can't hurt anymore. I cant.

  I guess I will focus on work, try to make something out of nothing. Focus on Bug...not that i don't now.
I will focus on my home. But what I will not do is feel. Not for now...not for awhile.

I'm shutting off my feelings for awhile. I'm going to close the doors to my heart.

The scars are real. They aren't seen but they are immense. They are a part of me.With each new scar there is a little less of who i once was.

   I know that i'm just really hurt right now. In time the pain will fade. I know that this too will pass.
I know...I know...I know....

   So I will BREATHE and maybe one day ....in the not too far distant I will feel ok again.

But until then

I will take it one moment at a time. I will celebrate the small things during the day. I will be happy that I just made it through the day. That will be enough for now.

Acceptance...is a bitter pill to swallow.

Sometimes, in life, things don't go my way

   Really? Who knew?

Sometimes, I have to accept that I have done what I can.

I have to accept that I'm not going to get the outcome I wanted.

Who knows? Maybe the end result will be better. 

Only time will tell.

And just so we are all on the same page...

This is killing me. 

I strongly dislike not getting my way.

Day two

Of being overwhelmed.sigh.

Just wait...

Months...

After months of being really strong... I'm having a really hard time tonight. I just feel Shitty.

I've got the Power

I smelled spring today.

    and 

I had flowers rain on me.

I could ramble on 

about the chaos 

that has taken over 

my work life...

But 

instead I will 

enjoy  the 

small things that

make me smile

so ...

here are 10 things that made me smile

just today

1. The smell of flowers in the air

2. The flowers raining from the trees

3. My sweet little squirrels

4. Mindy Kaling

5. New Girl

6. Lily(of course)

7. Chloe (of course)

8. a Hug from Pam Mom

9. My Illume SmashBox lipgloss

10. Knowing David will be home Saturday

and all of that replaces 

anything bad that happened at work

because I give it the power to

forever and ever

Amen.

Early Morning with Chloe

Bugs homework

I'm putting my trust in you...

As we all know...

I have horrible control issues.

I have to know what is going on

at all times.

I have to know where I stand with

certain people.

I have to know what people are thinking.

BUT

I'm proud of myself.

Today...

I just let go.

I didn't over analyze

I trusted that that 

someone had my well being 

in their best interest.

Let's see what happens....

Mantra for the day

That's Life...

All too familiar feeling...

Anxiety attacks

used to be a

daily way of 

life.

I used to have them 

once or twice 

a 

day.

I haven't had one in months.

But at 4:30 this morning

I woke up 

having heart palpitations

and 

I was out of breath

I won't go  back to that

I just won't.

You spin me right round

My world works in circles...

Cycles.

It goes back to the never ending

flight pattern that is my life.

I have changed the pattern...

But there are somethings in my life

that I don't know how to change

No matter how many times

we start again.

It's predictable.

and I don't like it.

Not this time.

So

I'm breaking another 

pattern.

I'm done

I can't do it anymore.

I'm so much more than that.

so much more.

Tru Dat...

If my honesty is my biggest flaw... then so be it.

Gluten free does not equal wheat free.

and I know this... but I just wanted to see what it taste like. CURSE you gluten free mini doughnut. You have me doubled over in pain when I really need to be sleeping.

Wakey Wakey Kids...

Easy like Sunday Morning...( but not this Sunday Morning)

Ahhhhhh

Sunday.

The day of rest. 

For Who???

Unfortunately

Lil Bug 

was sick yesterday.

Fever of 103.

Which I don't think has ever happened

So...

I got nothing done yesterday, 

and I have to fit it all in today.

Oh goodness.

I have a very busy day ahead of me...

It's Friday night... turn it up and shake yo Booty!!!

No... really ... I AM

The grass looks pretty effin green to me...

As I sit here 

drinking a glass of wine...

With some sexy ass music playin in the background.

I have to say....

The grass is pretty green where I am

My life is in no way perfect.

by no means am I saying 

all is in a great space.

But I'm 

HAPPY

SO 

HAPPY

I have a beautiful Daughter

an amazing Family

a kick ass best friend

and

my Christmas wish is hanging on strong.

I am

Genuinely smiling

from the depths of my being

Not much to report at this time...

There hasn't been much going on in my world lately

Things have calmed down since the move

Life has moved on as always

Lily was at her Dad's last night

so I thought it would

be fun to go out

with my 

bestie.

I had a headache all day...

and it just got worse while we

were at dinner.

I barely made it home 

before I ...well...

threw up.

when I got home

I went straight to bed.

Hoping that it would go away while I slept

The Nausea is gone

but the headache is still there

not quite as bad as yesterday...

but still there.

I am going to try to

relax a bit

but 

I have a ton of stuff I want to get 

done today.

I've seen you without your veil...not so pretty my love.

My mom always told me...

If you don't have anything nice to say

Don't say anything at all.

Ok...she NEVER  said that to me. 

AND 

I'm not good at 

that.

At All

But

My silence is going to be Golden.

There will not be a peep out of me.

I will be polite, and respectful.

That is where it ends.

I am in a new place in my life.

A good place. 

and the nonsense

is not an option in my world.

So...

I'm letting go.

I've seen the leopards spots.

Oh Great and Powerful Oz

You will be found out.

Time for Karmageddon !!

I can't go wrong...as long as I remember where I'm from.

I'm not so sure you even knew what you had...

Love this

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn  how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls(and texts), broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

Perpetual Landing Pattern

My best friend Tom once 

described my life...

as a 

Perpetual Landing Pattern.

like I was stuck in the air...but never landed.

Just circling around

Metro over and over.

I kinda laughed when he said it

but 

I knew he was right.

Albert Einsteins

 definition of 

insanity is 

doing the same thing over and over

expecting a different results

It's time to take a leap. 

Jump off the Crazy Train

Change things up.

Change bad habits.

Let go of things 

that just won't work.

Be proud to be me.

Such a Slacker...sorry.

I've been slacking on my blogging.

but for good reason

Jason

Moved 

Out

It took a minute to get used to it

to be 

ok

But I'm getting better every 

day.

AND

That is all I can ask for

Crazy little thing called love...

When I woke up this morning...

I had a right that friends of mine didn't.

I have the right to get married.

My love isn't any stronger.

My devotion isn't larger

My commitment isn't any deeper

YET

Because I am attracted to men

and 

not 

Women

I have a right my friends don't.

It baffles me to think 

someone could 

be against 

LOVE

in 

the highest form.

My Mother and Father 

have raised me to believe

that love is love.

If you find someone you 

TRULY 

love

It doesn't matter what 

color, nationality or gender they are.

They taught me that Love 

True Love

is special. 

If you find it 

hold on tight.

I can't begin to fathom 

why someone would be 

against same sex marriage.

Why someone would think that it isn't ok

for two people in love 

to be able

to commit themselves 

to each other 

 before their friends and family.

Why those two committed individuals

should not have all the rights 

that marriage brings.

With so much HATE in the world

How can you be against LOVE?

I am committed to supporting 

Same Sex Marriage.

I am committed to supporting 

my 

LGBT

Friends

I am an ALLY

Forever

and 

Ever

AMEN

Ahhh....the frustration.

How long must you wait for it??

10 Reasons Texting Sucks...

1. It's impersonal. 
2. You can't hear the inflection of someones voice. Making easier to mis interpret your message.
3. Auto correct can completely ruin what you intended to say.
4. Anyone can share a personal message with whomever they want. It isn't private.
5. It's way  too easy to hide behind a text.
6. It takes too long to have a conversation. Something that I could get out in a couple of minute, sometimes takes hours of going back and forth waiting for each other to respond.
7. It is making us anti social.
8. Because one word answers aren't ok.
9. Never getting an answer is Awkward
10. I constantly appear to be over analyzing things, when in fact if I just spoke my texts there really wouldn't be much too say.

Hurts so good...

Who knew...

I love sore muscles.

I love when I work out...

and I'm sore.

It's probably not good.

but it makes me feel like I 

accomplished 

something. 

Ever searching...Ever Learning.

I have so many things that I could write about tonight.

From the secrets and scandals that are made from 

Nothing.

To the Great and Powerful Oz like situations 

that are within.

But it's the excuse of distance that got me the most today.

No distance or time will come between two people who

genuinely want to see each other.

it is a facade.

an excuse 

we use .

I'm over excuses and nonsense.

I want what i want. 

That is that.

No nonsense

I'm not sure if it's fear.

I'm not sure if it's pure laziness.

but it won't be on my part anymore.

I'm embracing

enjoying  

life.

so get on the Dana train...

or don't.

but I'm only going to be around 

for a 

limited time.

Don't miss this opportunity

Cool like Dat....(yes I am)

And the Survey Says...

Ok

Not really...

but my labs 

are back

Drum Roll Please

I'm getting better!

YAY!

My Cholesterol

is back to normal

and My TSH 

Is down to 3.7

So they are upping my pills

and all will be well

in the Kingdom

once again.

SMILE

I know I'm lame as Hell but...

I am super excited 

about this....

I'm plugging in today when I get back from 

My Doctors appointment....

and listening all day!!

Oh JT how you make me Swoon!

PS 

I'll update you on the appointment later gator.

It's just another Manic Monday...

Today is a 

Hunker down

with my headphones on

Kind 

of day 

at work.

FO SHO!

A Small Snippet of Evening in Red. (the quality is crap)

The wisdom I found at the end of a Green Beer...

Life has changed so much in the last Six months.

and

it continues to change.

Every Day

Something New

Sometimes Good

Sometimes...Not so Good.

I finished up my last green beer last night.

Bid Adieu 

to my brother

and came home

I realized on the way home

how much I have changed.

Now I'm the same inside of course.

My Values are the Same...

BUT

I didn't get rattled at all yesterday.

No giving myself unneeded stress.

No panicking.

No over analyzing.

I just enjoyed the moment.

I marinaded in it

I let it be

and all was good.

This is my Step Mom...

My first green beer...

I am the rule...

Not the exception.

I can totally be my own hero...

My Christmas Wish...

It took awhile

But 

it finally came true.

Out of the blue

Out of nowhere

and now

I'm so scared that he will 

disappear again.

I can't just be me

Which is the one reason

I loved having him 

as my 

friend 

sigh

Bench

Dear Bench,

Why is it every time

I see an adorable

sweater or sweatshirt

on 

Pinterest 

by your 

Company.

It no longer

exists

????

So Frustrating!

Maybe it isn't real Sunshine...but it will do for now.

Sometimes when you least expect it.

Amazing things happen.

Perfect...

Happy...

Amazing things.

Serendipitous

 

If you steal my sunshine ~ Len

Good Morning Sunshine...

The sun is out!

I have needed the sun on my face for weeks.

I'm putting yesterday...

Hell,

I'm putting all last week in a box and putting it away.

I am moving forward.

I gave myself last night to be upset

and now it's back to normal.

It will all work out as it should.

2.13.61

It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.
Henry Rollins 

My secret...

If I didn't have this blog.

I would probably 

burst at

the seams.

This blog is the only place 

I can be real.

The only place I can be me.

My only outlet.

You wouldn't know that in one short week...

I have lost almost everything that I had.

I am so overwhelmed right now...

I can barely breathe sometimes

I can barely stand. 

and as I lie here in bed, in the dark.

Tears streaming down my face.

I am at a loss.

I don't have a team.

I don't have anyone to talk to 

about any of the things that have been going on.

and holy shit have there been things that I just need to get out.

There is rock bottom.

and then there is

here.

Wherever it is that I am.

But no one would know it...

because 

I keep up a good facade.

I hide behind a smile and kindness

I don't know what I believe in anymore.

But just for tonight I hope that there is something higher out there to believe in.

I hope that there is someone looking out for me.

because I need some relief.

Do bad things really happen in three's?

Or is it more than that?

I'm not focusing on any of it.

I'm keeping positive. 

I let each thing roll off my back like the cutest little ducky ever.

But 

I just can't get a break right now. 

It's so Frustrating.

I'll just keep smiling. 

and moving forward.

keep it movin chicky poo.

I've got mountains ahead to climb

60 minutes...

Not now...

but soon.

I am going to give myself an hour,

Just an hour to be sad.

to ... let go and be emotional .

I don't have time for it right now.

I'm far too busy. 

I have a job, and a daughter, and a dog.

I am responsible for a numerous amount of things.

So...

Not now...

but Soon.

Goodbye Sweet Berries...

From today on.
I clearly have to give up berries.

Not for good.

But until the craving subsides.

I am an addict. 

The berries are my diet nemesis.

So...

No sweets.

AND

I Only get small amount of berries or a banana 

on 

workout days.

sigh.

future self will thank me.

Jimmy Fallon & Justin Timberlake History of Rap

Zee Avi - Concrete Wall

You will never know, until it is you.

I can remember being young and thinking...

If a man laid his hands on me, I would leave.

I can remember thinking...

Who would let someone do that to them.

Then it happens, and you are so shocked you don't know what to do.

It won't happen again.

All will be well.

And for awhile...

it is.

but soon enough

it begins again. 

what you fail to realize in that moment

is that

it is a vicious cycle.

I was too scared to leave.

I was scared because I didn't know what would happen

I was scared that financially...

I couldn't do it.

Then one day I got brave.

In one moment I decided I was done.

It was OVER.

I left.

It wasn't over.

Time made me forget 

and soon enough I let him back in.

He was all I knew.

And for a moment it was good.

But the cycle started again.

And one late night

the unthinkable was done.

beyond anything that had been done before.

It was cold 

I was outside in the snow in my pajamas with no shoes

I was scared.

but 

I went back

In my head...

I thought I had no choice.

I believed there was no other way.

I will sometimes talk about the event 

as though it was the same thing as

washing your car, or going grocery shopping.

Like what happened was

no big deal.

Because I am no longer the innocent girl

who thought  I would just leave.

Who didn't understand how someone could let someone do that.

I live in fear.

It is my home.

I don't sleep 

not well that is.

I never know what will happen if I let myself fall asleep to deeply.

I have asked him to leave.

I have begged him to go.

He won't.

I am too weak to force him.

I am too scared.

The unknown holds me at bay.

Frozen 

So

Please 

don't judge that girl on TV

not until you hear her story.

Until it is you.

You will never fully understand.

The green monster that lives within

She Is in there. She doesn't come out often... but when she does. Look out. She reared her ugly head earlier this week...ooh child she was a wreck. I have managed to put her back where she belongs. All is well in my world again. Thank goodness.

My view...with a squirrel.

My view...

It's ok...

I think sometimes its ok to step back and reevaluate. Sometimes it is necessary. It doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human.  At least I knew that I needed a break. I was acting crazy. I have no idea as to why. So I'm stepping back. Taking a breath.

JT...enough said

Sometimes...

Not very often.

but sometimes

I wish I had someone to share things with.

Whether it be a laugh or a smile.

A story or a joke.

Just someone to share things with.

Someone to have a glass of wine with...

at the end of an incredibly long week.

Someone to giggle with in bed at night.

Someone who just gets me.

Someone to just enjoy silence with.

Sometimes...

Carole King I feel the earth move lyrics

I heard this today. It made me feel all happy and warm inside. It felt like home.
Carole King and James Taylor... The Beatles and James Marshall Hendrix.
They are my home.

The Calm that is THIS...

I don’t think.

I don’t think about this.

Because

I would overthink if I began.

So It just is.

And that is good.

So very good.

I smile because I don’t think.

I smile because it is so good to be free.

To not think .

500 days of Reality...

I realized what a cynic I have become.

Seriously, I used to believe in the happy ending.

I believed that life could be good.

Honestly a little piece of me still believes this.

BUT

I am in no place to right now to feel the sunshine.

I deserve to feel the sunshine...

But It's just not there right now.

Where I am right now 

is emotionally inept. 

My walls are high.

Secret Mission...

I surprised my sister today by taking her lunch at work.

It was so nice to see her smiling face today.

I am sooooo lucky to have  my Sister.

She is my rock.